im not afraid of happy endings

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 15:14:39 GMT

Ugh I'm so tired of living this way. I understand that my mom has problems paying bills and stuff, but she could atleast pay the neccessary ones like phone,electricity,and water. I swear. It can't be that hard to manage ones money. It makes me so angry.

Some people never have to worry about that kind of stuff, you know? I want to get a job to help out, but yeah trying to find a job in this town with a nose ring and two visible tattoos is like finding a needle in a haystack. I stay home to help out with my grandmother, she can't really be left alone for long periods of time. Maybe I'm being punished because I dropped out of school for a while. But you know what? I needed a break. My mother makes me feel like an idiot most of the time. Yeah, I know I'm not the brightest crayon in the box, we all have our moments, but you know I don't like being treated like I'm mentally challenged sometimes. Like last night she said something about the garbage. I had sat a bag of it out by the road cause the trash can was full, and the bag got torn open, and then she said "you know garbage goes in the trash can right, everyone knows that" It made me feel so stupid.

I know I've said this a million times, but I just wish zack and I could live together now, well maybe this summer. I would live under a park bench with him, I don't care. It just frustrates me so. I just want to scream, cry, punch a wall something!

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 16:59:03 GMT

This past weekend was crazy. My family got into a huge argument at my house. My aunts,cousin,and uncle were making accusations against my mother and I had enough of it, so I went and put my two cents in, well I told them what I thought and they got all fired up and so did I. I saw my cousin about to hit me, so I smacked her as hard as I could, then the prissy wannabe tough girl grabbed my hair and tried to twist my neck, now honestly who still pulls hair when they fight? Her feminine husband was blocking my mom and wouldn't let her get to me to help me up, I wish I could have decked my cousin one good time. I despise her so effing much. I already have problems with a nerve in my neck and when she twisted my neck that didn't help too much at all. Karma sucks you know? And karma will come back and bite them in the bum. They will get whats coming to them in this life or the next. I don't really feel sorry for anything that I did(action wise) I just kinda feel bad for the foul language I used, but it was the heat of the moment and oh well, I don't think about anything when I'm that mad.

I just wish I could erase every thought of them from my memory. Like forget they even exist. I know that sounds kind of harsh but it's true. I'm just going to do what I can to forget them. I've already pretty destroyed all the pictures that have my aunts and cousin in them, it made me feel lots better.

But there are some upsides to the whole situation. 1. I don't have to have my cousin in my wedding or at it for that matter 2. They will never be up at this house again 3. I won't have to buy them christmas presents.

I hope we don't have to move out of the house though. This lady that lives behind us, buys houses and then rents them out said she would consider buying ours and we could rent it from her. I've been praying that we can keep this house. I really hope we can, I don't want to have to move, because moving sucks. And plus I'm really comfortable at my house.

Anywhoo, I'm gonna get some stuff together and straighten up my disaster of a room.

what more can i say

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 05:23:14 GMT

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

oh and I'm sorry.

I'm not going to be happy and nice about a situation that sucks.

is it so hard to pay bills on time?

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 18:44:24 GMT

I get so annoyed with my mother. She NEVER pays a bill on time..never. Our cell phone bill was due on saturday..but no, she didn't want to leave the house to go pay it. Is it really that hard to pay a bill on time? I don't think so. Thats what calenders are for. It just gets on my nerves and I hate when we have our water cut off or our electricity because my mother didn't go pay the bill. It makes me so angry! I look at my friends families and Zacks family and they don't have problems with their bills. They get theirs in on time and everything is great. Not at my house though. It happens atleast every two or three months my mother doesn't pay a bill or two and something that we need is cut off. It drives me up the wall. I will make a promise here and now to never do that when I have a home of my own and my own bills. I understand times are hard sometimes but geez, save money! Not that hard. Cut back on buying useless crap. It just makes me soo angry.

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 19:07:21 GMT

I just watched a PETA video about where meat comes from and how "some" slaughterhouses abuse and torture the animals. The video I watched looked like it was from another country where their facilities aren't as clean as the ones here. Sure, there are those few sadistic people out there who get their jollies off by beating animals and torturing them, but honestly I don't think anyone that works in a slaughterhouse really likes their job. I'm all for animal rights and everything but I just think some of the PETA videos are fakes.

People have been eating meat for millions of years, it's part of the food cycle or whatever it's called. The only meat I don't eat and haven't for 2 years is pork and I don' plan on eating it anytime soon.

I just think PETA goes to the extreme on some things.

I hope I didn't offend anyone =/

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 07:45:13 GMT

some of you people on LJ need to get a life and get off LJ for five minutes.

and i felt like the biggest a**hole.

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 22:26:36 GMT

I feel horrible now. I love him more than anything and I don't want to screw this up. I really don't. He's the best thing that has happened to me.

Hairspray

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 23:02:09 GMT

This movie has lifted my spirits. It has made me feel great about myself. I don't need to feel ashamed about my size. I've got a man that thinks I'm beautiful and thats all that matters.

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 07:42:29 GMT

Oh dear LJ, I think this is going to be a rather lengthy post. I'm so sleepy, but I can't sleep. I'm so tired of this. I just want to have 8 hours of peaceful sleep, without waking up or someone waking me up. But I haven't had a full nights sleep in I honestly can't tell you when.

I'm so ready to start back to school. I mean, it's been nice not having to go, but I want to start cosmetology school so bad. I just need to find my diploma and all that other crap. I'm ready for Zack and I to get married, get our own place, and start our lives together. I'm just so sick of it here.

oh and heres the dress that I want heh

:

anywhoo. I know what I want for my next tattoo. I want two solid ravens on each of my shoulder blades. I think it'll be sweet. I just need the money. I need to start saving up my tattoo fund again.

I got a couple of letters from Lee the day before, he's doing well. I've got to get some stamps to mail him a letter back.

I miss my friends so very much..gah.

I started a promotions page on myspace, it's slowly growing. It'll be something to pass the time and I'll get to check out some sweet bands in the process.

I'm sick of hearing about the presidential election. I don't know if I even want to vote anymore. I mean, none of the candidates are that great. Politics are a load of crap.

I've been trying to diet and excercise it's just so hard to get motivated. I feel like I'm not making any progress. =[ I would love to lose about 50 pounds geez that would be an absolute dream. Perhaps if I just workout for lengthy periods of time it will pay off.

Well my eyes are getting extremely heavy and I'm cold.

ow ow ow

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 15:16:14 GMT

excercising hurts.

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 19:48:55 GMT

Well my lovely lovely mother just made me feel like crap once again. I don't know what I want to do with my life and she made the statement that the 400 students that are going to be graduating from NE know what they want to do, but she said, no you won't be graduating will you, cause you had to "find" yourself. I told her that just because I'm 19 doesn't mean that I'm ready to start living a super boring life and have a super boring job. I put in for a job at the hospital just to make some extra money and she said your going to have to wear long sleeves so they can't see your tattoos. Why in the heck does it matter any more??? But according to her the people who are tattooed and pierced will never amount to anything. DING DING. What a way to make your already upset daughter even more upset. I just don't get it. Why are tattoos so bad? Why do people look down on people who choose to express themselves in different ways? I'm sick of all the conservative crap. And the people who look down on me are supposedly these great jesus loving Christians. Well you knwo what?? Jesus wouldnt' look down on me. He would embrace me.

I don't like people.

chillin out maxxxxx

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 06:49:27 GMT

so i can't get comfortable.
my heart is beating kind of fast.
ugh.
i just want to relax.

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 08:40:19 GMT

I'm a college dropout. Being able to say that makes me feel so vindicated. I have been terribly unhappy these past two years at Northeast. The only thing that brought me the tiniest bit of joy was being the editor of the college newspaper. I've decided to put NE on hold for a while. I want to do something that makes me happy. I want to be able to well, be me. I don't want to have to dress up everyday and write bull crap articles that no one in this one horse town will understand. I want to be able to show my tattoos and not be considered un professional. I've decided to go to beauty school. I think it's a good decision. It will make me happy. I just hope I won't screw up someones hair. Oh well. It happens. Geez. I feel great, well except for the fact that I'm very tired and have the cramps. But other than that I'm super. Zack supports my decision. He said as long as I am happy then he's happy.

I love my dear Zack. He puts up with so much of my crap. I've been bugging him to by me this edgar allan poe tshirt that has a few verses of the poem "Annabelle Lee" on it. It's quite fabulous. He said it will buy it for me sometime this week. Yay. I will look quite smashing in it.

Anywhoo.

I think I'm going to lay here in my warm squeaky bed and ponder my thoughts a bit longer before hopelessly drifiting off into a peaceful five hour slumber.

school..to go or not to go

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 21:34:54 GMT

I just checked my registration status for school and it said I am no longer registered as a studen. WTF? Maybe it's a sign or something. I don't know.

Maybe I'll take a semester off and get a full time job.
I wish I could find something where I wouldn't have to take out my nose ring and cover my tattoos.

have you ever wanted something so bad

Thu, 20 Dec 2007 05:07:32 GMT

One of my friends just got engaged. She and her boyfriend have only been dating a really short time. It kind of made me upset because I really want to get engaged. I'm not in a hurry to get married or anything, it would just be nice to have that security there. To kind of let me know that I am his. I know cash is short right now. But the ring I want is 185. It's beautiful. I don't want him to feel rushed. I don't know. Maybe I'm going about this the wrong way. I just love Zack so much and I just want this so bad. But perhaps it will happen when it's supposed to. I just love him soo freakin much. Sigh. I seriously need to quit looking at all this bridal stuff. It's making me depressed.

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 00:45:17 GMT

I often ask myself how my boyfriend could love a body like mine. He says I'm beautiful, but I say I'm repulsive. I wish I could love myself the way that he does. I put on this act for everyone that I'm happy with my body, but really I hate it. I hate the way it looks. I stumbled upon a community on here that hates fat people, I read some of the entries and they really kind of hurt. I mean, they think that all bigger people are just these lazy fat slobs who just sit on a couch with a bucket of chicken in front of them. I know some large people do that, but I don't. I get out and I walk and excercise but the weight just seems to stay there. I just want to wish it away. I don't want to be really thin, but I wouldn't mind losing about 80 pounds or so. I went to the doctor a few weeks ago because I had been having panic attacks, and then she got on the subject of my weight. She said that I should consider weight loss surgery. I mean, sure that works for some people but I'm only 19 years old I can lose it on my own. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I feel like I can write in this journal and that know one I really know will read it.

you're bad news

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 17:31:22 GMT

why can't i be thinner???

i hate the way my body looks. it's not pretty. not one bit.

=[

indie films

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 06:44:49 GMT

i love them so much. my recent desire is to be an indie film actress.

i also think that i am going to begin dieting. well not so much as dieting. but exercising as much as i possibly can. i need to shed about 30 or so pounds. i think i can do it within the next few months.

woohoo.

july 14th was mine and zacks 9 month anniversary. he is amazing. and i love him.

you've only been gone five minutes

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 04:35:56 GMT

I am going to miss Zack so freakin much, no one has any idea. That boy is the love of my life. I'm only happy when I'm around him. Him and I have never been apart really for more than two days. He'll be back on monday, but guys, it seems like thats gonna be a lifetime. I wish it was next week. Next wednesday he's taking me to the zoo. It's gonna be amazing.

this kiss

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 04:00:32 GMT

I am so in love. Zack is my world. I'm truely blessed that he came into my life. I love him with all of my heart. When I'm with him, all the bad things in the world turn to good. My sadness goes away. We've been dating over 8 months. Everyday has been amazing.

Wowweee my hearts beating fast. ^__________^

Is this my last resort?

Thu, 07 Jun 2007 18:02:52 GMT

I just want to bang my head into wall until I pass out. I dont like today. I just don't. I really don't like how I look right now. People always tell me I'm pretty, but I just don't see it. What do they see? My weight is the one thing that gets me down. I look at the mirror and it disgusts me. I do not like the person I see in there. If I could just lose 20 or 30 pounds I would feel better. But right now, I'm at a standstill and I can't seem to lose any. I think I'm just going to quit eating and just drink water and coffee. I don't want to be skinny, but I don't want to be fat either. And fat is what I am now. I hate it. I hate looking at myself. It sickens me. How can anyone else stand to look at me. I'm repulsive.

vh1 reality and dr.pepper

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 04:45:12 GMT

geez louezzz, i love flavor of love charm school lol. it's so funny. these girls are so dang catty. my neck hurts, but oh well.

i'm out.
'

peace.

medication

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 22:18:48 GMT

i've stopped taking prozac. and i'm starting to feel the effects of not taking it. i'm tyring my best to hide it. but i don't think it's working. i mean i am happy. i really am. i just feel blah.

but maybe my body will take some getting used to me not taking prozac anymore.

my life..thus far.

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 06:17:18 GMT

is going pretty smooth.

these past months i have had some falling outs with someone i was really close to. and i am sad to say that our friendship has ended. but as the days have passed on i know who my friends are.

zack and i are doing great. i couldn't be happier. i am so in love with him. i hope it last forever. he's the only one that can make my heart beat faster and slower at the same time. he is so sweet. treats me like a lady. i could go one and on for hours. oh how i love him and i wish he was here with me right now at this very moment.

right now, i am sick. i've got some sort of cold/viral infection. my throat is sore and my ears hurt really bad. hopefully it will be gone in a few days. i've been taking my medicine like i'm supposed to.

i should really be sleeping at the moment, but you know what? i'm not. i can't sleep. i haven't been able to sleep..like really sleep in so so long. i'm thinking to myself at this moment, does anyone read this? i doubt it. which is kind of cool in a way because i can vent and rant all i want. which is great. thats what i love about my dear dear livejournal.

well im off for now. i just thought i would update for a moment.

missing class.

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 14:39:36 GMT

i missed spanish class on friday and i missed a quiz.

i told him why i was late.

but i can't make it up.

its cool though. its my own fault.

i guess im just used to highschool still where we can miss and still make things up.

but oh well.

i am now sitting in art appreciation waiting for class to start.

there is no one in here except for me and one other guy, who is slightly strange but nice nonetheless.

im thinking about doing a tiger trek thing. where we can go to oxford,wales(i think) and a buch more places.

which would be so awesome if i got the chance to go.

the only thing is im worried about how much money it would cost.

oh well.

im going to continue browsing around on the net for the time being.

much loves.
me.