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It doesn't matter

Today was a bit ridiculous.  I hate getting up at 4 in the morning and getting ready for work.  I have to be there at 7 but I live so far away.  The day started off okay then we got super busy and we had the lobby filled up with patients.  But thankfully I get off at 3.

I sometimes feel almost non existent to some people, even those I am very close with.  I think I am forgotten sometimes.  But whatever, I have my cats they notice me.(yes, I am a cat lady)

I'm sitting here drinking a cup of dark roast coffee and it is absolutley heavenly.  It's just what I needed.  I'm supposed to be cooking supper, but I really don't feel like it.

wow, it has been 2 years

Holy cheese, I haven't updated this thing in years!!! I just logged on and re read a bunch of my old posts.  I was so angsty.  Thank heavens for Prozac.  I'm a bit more upbeat now.

I think I'm going to start updating this more often.

It will be a good outlet I think.

No one I know uses this anymore.

Jun. 10th, 2010

I'm itchy. I'm uncomfortable. I'm sad.  Mad.  Depressed. Hurt. Stressed.  Sick. 

I feel like I am going to collapse into myself.  My stomach is turning.  My heart is racing.  I just don't know how much more I can take.  It's like I have already fallen over the edge and I'm just barely hanging on by a little branch.  I hate this.  I want things to be okay.  I want things to work out.  But everything is just falling apart.  


I can't.

I'm going to have to sell my wonderful camera just to get some cash so my family and I can make it.  I need help.  I am drowning.  I just want to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I can't control this and I hate it.

I don't want to have to sell my camera but maybe I can get a couple hundred for it.  It would be better than nothing.  

I swear I feel as if my heart is going to pop out of my chest.  I just want to relax and clear my mind and for all these crazy feeling to go away.

I can't write this anywhere but here because I know the chances of someone reading this is slim to none.  I know too many people on facebook and I don't want my followers on blogger to read this.

I don't know what to do.

Dear God what do I do????
Why is all of this happening?

Maybe this will all make me stronger in the end but right now I'm drowning.

Jun. 5th, 2010

 Is it wrong for me to not be just super happy for some people when things go right for them all the time?  

Some things go right for me, but for the most part the things I want to go right don't.  I want to find a job, but I am having absolutely no luck.

I know thats not the right attitude and am probably wrong for feeling that way.  


need to quit feeling sorry for myself and get on with it.

It's been a while.

 It's been sometime since I updated.  I can't believe I went so long without updating. Geez.  Well a lot has actually happened since the last update.    I think it's too much to write in this tiny space.  

Here's a condensed update.

When I left off I had quit school for the time being, looking for a job, and having problems with my parents. I haven't gone back to school(don't have the money), still can't find a job, and I am still having a few issues with my parents.  

The good thing is though, that Zack and I are still together and we are gonna be celebrating our 4 year anniversary in October.  He's a wonderful guy.  

Times are really tough right now though and I feel like I am drowning in all of my troubles.  I've got to keep my head above water, it's all I can do.

Also, I have really gotten into wrestling over the past year.  I effin love it.  Zack is taking me to a wrestling house show in Memphis next weekend!  I am so stoked about that.

Thats all the update I have for now.

I'm gonna be writing in this journal much more now.

Apr. 16th, 2008

Ugh I'm so tired of living this way.  I understand that my mom has problems paying bills and stuff, but she could atleast pay the neccessary ones like phone,electricity,and water.  I swear.  It can't be that hard to manage ones money.  It makes me so angry.  

Some people never have to worry about that kind of stuff, you know?  I want to get a job to help out, but yeah trying to find a job in this town with a nose ring and two visible tattoos is like finding a needle in a haystack.  I stay home to help out with my grandmother, she can't really be left alone for long periods of time.  Maybe I'm being punished because I dropped out of school for a while.  But you know what? I needed a break.  My mother makes me feel like an idiot most of the time.  Yeah, I know I'm not the brightest crayon in the box, we all have our moments, but you know I don't like being treated like I'm mentally challenged sometimes.  Like last night she said something about the garbage.  I had sat a bag of it out by the road cause the trash can was full, and the bag got torn open, and then she said "you know garbage goes in the trash can right, everyone knows that"  It made me feel so stupid. 

I know I've said this a million times, but I just wish zack and I could live together now, well maybe this summer.  I would live under a park bench with him, I don't care.  It just frustrates me so.  I just want to scream, cry, punch a wall something!

Apr. 1st, 2008

This past weekend was crazy.  My family got into a huge argument at my house.  My aunts,cousin,and uncle were making accusations against my mother and I had enough of it, so I went and put my two cents in, well I told them what I thought and they got all fired up and so did I.  I saw my cousin about to hit me, so I smacked her as hard as I could, then the prissy wannabe tough girl grabbed my hair and tried to twist my neck, now honestly who still pulls hair when they fight?  Her feminine husband was blocking my mom and wouldn't let her get to me to help me up, I wish I could have decked my cousin one good time.  I despise her so effing much.  I already have problems with a nerve in my neck and when she twisted my neck that didn't help too much at all.    Karma sucks you know?  And karma will come back and bite them in the bum.  They will get whats coming to them in this life or the next.  I don't really feel sorry for anything that I did(action wise)  I just kinda feel bad for the foul language I used, but it was the heat of the moment and oh well, I don't think about anything when  I'm that mad.

I just wish I could erase every thought of them from my memory.  Like forget they even exist.  I know that sounds kind of harsh but it's true.  I'm just going to do what I can to forget them.  I've already pretty destroyed all the pictures that have my aunts and cousin in them, it made me feel lots better.

But there are some upsides to the whole situation.  1.  I don't have to have my cousin in my wedding or at it for that matter 2.  They will never be up at this house again 3.  I won't have to buy them christmas presents.  

I hope we don't have to move out of the house though.  This lady that lives behind us, buys houses and then rents them out said she would consider buying ours and we could rent it from her.  I've been praying that we can keep this house.  I really hope we can, I don't want to have to move, because moving sucks.  And plus I'm really comfortable at my house.  

Anywhoo, I'm gonna get some stuff together and straighten up my disaster of a room.

what more can i say

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

oh and I'm sorry.



I'm not going to be happy and nice about a situation that sucks. 

is it so hard to pay bills on time?

I get so annoyed with my mother.  She NEVER pays a bill on time..never.  Our cell phone bill was due on saturday..but no, she didn't want to leave the house to go pay it.  Is it really that hard to pay a bill on time?  I don't think so.  Thats what calenders are for.  It just gets on my nerves and I hate when we have our water cut off or our electricity because my mother didn't go pay the bill.  It makes me so angry!  I look at my friends families and Zacks family and they don't have problems with their bills.  They get theirs in on time and everything is great.  Not at my house though.  It happens atleast every two or three months my mother doesn't pay a bill or two and something that we need is cut off.  It drives me up the wall.  I will make a promise here and now to never do that when I have a home of my own and my own bills.  I understand times are hard sometimes but geez, save money!  Not that hard.  Cut back on buying useless crap.  It just makes me soo angry.

 I just watched a PETA video about where meat comes from and how "some" slaughterhouses abuse and torture the animals. The video I watched looked like it was from another country where their facilities aren't as clean as the ones here.  Sure, there are those few sadistic people out there who get their jollies off by beating  animals and torturing them, but honestly I don't think anyone that works in a slaughterhouse really likes their job.  I'm all for animal rights and everything but I just think some of the PETA videos are fakes. 

People have been eating meat for millions of years, it's part of the food cycle or whatever it's called.  The only meat I don't eat and haven't for 2 years is pork and I don' plan on eating it anytime soon.

I just think PETA goes to the extreme on some things.

I hope I didn't offend anyone =/