Ugh I'm so tired of living this way.  I understand that my mom has problems paying bills and stuff, but she could atleast pay the neccessary ones like phone,electricity,and water.  I swear.  It can't be that hard to manage ones money.  It makes me so angry.  

Some people never have to worry about that kind of stuff, you know?  I want to get a job to help out, but yeah trying to find a job in this town with a nose ring and two visible tattoos is like finding a needle in a haystack.  I stay home to help out with my grandmother, she can't really be left alone for long periods of time.  Maybe I'm being punished because I dropped out of school for a while.  But you know what? I needed a break.  My mother makes me feel like an idiot most of the time.  Yeah, I know I'm not the brightest crayon in the box, we all have our moments, but you know I don't like being treated like I'm mentally challenged sometimes.  Like last night she said something about the garbage.  I had sat a bag of it out by the road cause the trash can was full, and the bag got torn open, and then she said "you know garbage goes in the trash can right, everyone knows that"  It made me feel so stupid. 

I know I've said this a million times, but I just wish zack and I could live together now, well maybe this summer.  I would live under a park bench with him, I don't care.  It just frustrates me so.  I just want to scream, cry, punch a wall something!

I'm sorry.





I'm sorry.



oh and I'm sorry.

I'm not going to be happy and nice about a situation that sucks. 

I get so annoyed with my mother.  She NEVER pays a bill on time..never.  Our cell phone bill was due on saturday..but no, she didn't want to leave the house to go pay it.  Is it really that hard to pay a bill on time?  I don't think so.  Thats what calenders are for.  It just gets on my nerves and I hate when we have our water cut off or our electricity because my mother didn't go pay the bill.  It makes me so angry!  I look at my friends families and Zacks family and they don't have problems with their bills.  They get theirs in on time and everything is great.  Not at my house though.  It happens atleast every two or three months my mother doesn't pay a bill or two and something that we need is cut off.  It drives me up the wall.  I will make a promise here and now to never do that when I have a home of my own and my own bills.  I understand times are hard sometimes but geez, save money!  Not that hard.  Cut back on buying useless crap.  It just makes me soo angry.

I feel horrible now.  I love him more than anything and I don't want to screw this up.  I really don't.  He's the best thing that has happened to me. 

This movie has lifted my spirits.  It has made me feel great about myself.    I don't need to feel ashamed about my size.  I've got a man that thinks I'm beautiful and thats all that matters.

Oh dear LJ, I think this is going to be a rather lengthy post.  I'm so sleepy, but I can't sleep.  I'm so tired of this.  I just want to have 8 hours of peaceful sleep, without waking up or someone waking me up.  But I haven't had a full nights sleep in I honestly can't tell you when.  

I'm so ready to start back to school.  I mean, it's been nice not having to go, but I want to start cosmetology school so bad.  I just need to find my diploma and all that other crap.  I'm ready for Zack and I to get married, get our own place, and start our lives together.  I'm just so sick of it here.  

oh and heres the dress that I want heh



:

anywhoo.  I know what I want for my next tattoo.  I want two solid ravens on each of my shoulder blades.  I think it'll be sweet.  I just need the money.  I need to start saving up my tattoo fund again.  

I got a couple of letters from Lee the day before, he's doing well.  I've got to get some stamps to mail him a letter back.  

I miss my friends so very much..gah.  

I started a promotions page on myspace, it's slowly growing.  It'll be something to pass the time and I'll get to check out some sweet bands in the process.  

I'm sick of hearing about the presidential election.  I don't know if I even want to vote anymore.  I mean, none of the candidates are that great.  Politics are a load of crap.

I've been trying to diet and excercise it's just so hard to get motivated.  I feel like I'm not making any progress.  =[  I would love to lose about 50 pounds geez that would be an absolute dream.  Perhaps if I just workout for lengthy periods of time it will pay off.

Well my eyes are getting extremely heavy and I'm cold.  

so i can't get comfortable.
my heart is beating kind of fast.
ugh.
i just want to relax.

One of my friends just got engaged.  She and her boyfriend have only been dating a really short time.  It kind of made me upset because I really want to get engaged.  I'm not in a hurry to get married or anything, it would just be nice to have that security there.  To kind of let me know that I am his.  I know cash is short right now.  But the ring I want is 185.  It's beautiful.  I don't want him to feel rushed.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm going about this the wrong way.  I just love Zack so much and I just want this so bad.  But perhaps it will happen when it's supposed to.  I just love him soo freakin much.  Sigh.  I seriously need to quit looking at all this bridal stuff.  It's making me depressed.

I often ask myself how my boyfriend could love a body like mine.   He says I'm beautiful, but I say I'm repulsive.  I wish I could love myself the way that he does.  I put on this act for everyone that I'm happy with my body, but really I hate it.  I hate the way it looks.    I stumbled upon a community on here that hates fat people, I read some of the entries and they really kind of hurt.  I mean, they think that all bigger people are just these lazy fat slobs who just sit on a couch with a bucket of chicken in front of them.  I know some large people do that, but I don't.  I get out and I walk and excercise but the weight just seems to stay there.  I just want to wish it away.  I don't want to be really thin, but I wouldn't mind losing about 80 pounds or so.  I went to the doctor a few weeks ago because I had been having panic attacks, and then she got on the subject of my weight.  She said that I should consider weight loss surgery.  I mean, sure that works for some people but I'm only 19 years old I can lose it on my own.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.   I feel like I can write in this journal and that know one I really know will read it.

why can't i be thinner???

i hate the way my body looks.  it's not pretty. not one bit.

=[

i love them so much.  my recent desire is to be an indie film actress.





i also think that i am going to begin dieting.  well not so much as dieting. but exercising as much as i possibly can.  i need to shed about 30 or so pounds.  i think i can do it within the next few months.


woohoo.


july 14th was mine and zacks 9 month anniversary.  he is amazing. and i love him.