I sometimes feel almost non existent to some people, even those I am very close with. I think I am forgotten sometimes. But whatever, I have my cats they notice me.(yes, I am a cat lady)
I'm sitting here drinking a cup of dark roast coffee and it is absolutley heavenly. It's just what I needed. I'm supposed to be cooking supper, but I really don't feel like it.
- Current Mood: drained
I think I'm going to start updating this more often.
It will be a good outlet I think.
No one I know uses this anymore.
- Current Location:couch
- Current Mood: amused
- Current Music:tv in the background
I feel like I am going to collapse into myself. My stomach is turning. My heart is racing. I just don't know how much more I can take. It's like I have already fallen over the edge and I'm just barely hanging on by a little branch. I hate this. I want things to be okay. I want things to work out. But everything is just falling apart.
HOW CAN I STOP THIS??????
I'm going to have to sell my wonderful camera just to get some cash so my family and I can make it. I need help. I am drowning. I just want to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't want to have to sell my camera but maybe I can get a couple hundred for it. It would be better than nothing.
I swear I feel as if my heart is going to pop out of my chest. I just want to relax and clear my mind and for all these crazy feeling to go away.
I can't write this anywhere but here because I know the chances of someone reading this is slim to none. I know too many people on facebook and I don't want my followers on blogger to read this.
I don't know what to do.
Dear God what do I do????
Why is all of this happening?
Maybe this will all make me stronger in the end but right now I'm drowning.
- Current Mood: stressed
Some things go right for me, but for the most part the things I want to go right don't. I want to find a job, but I am having absolutely no luck.
I know thats not the right attitude and am probably wrong for feeling that way.
need to quit feeling sorry for myself and get on with it.
- Current Mood: irritated
Here's a condensed update.
When I left off I had quit school for the time being, looking for a job, and having problems with my parents. I haven't gone back to school(don't have the money), still can't find a job, and I am still having a few issues with my parents.
The good thing is though, that Zack and I are still together and we are gonna be celebrating our 4 year anniversary in October. He's a wonderful guy.
Times are really tough right now though and I feel like I am drowning in all of my troubles. I've got to keep my head above water, it's all I can do.
Also, I have really gotten into wrestling over the past year. I effin love it. Zack is taking me to a wrestling house show in Memphis next weekend! I am so stoked about that.
Thats all the update I have for now.
I'm gonna be writing in this journal much more now.
- Current Location:kitchen table
- Current Mood: stressed
- Current Music:the sound of a lawnmower outside
Ugh I'm so tired of living this way. I understand that my mom has problems paying bills and stuff, but she could atleast pay the neccessary ones like phone,electricity,and water. I swear. It can't be that hard to manage ones money. It makes me so angry.
Some people never have to worry about that kind of stuff, you know? I want to get a job to help out, but yeah trying to find a job in this town with a nose ring and two visible tattoos is like finding a needle in a haystack. I stay home to help out with my grandmother, she can't really be left alone for long periods of time. Maybe I'm being punished because I dropped out of school for a while. But you know what? I needed a break. My mother makes me feel like an idiot most of the time. Yeah, I know I'm not the brightest crayon in the box, we all have our moments, but you know I don't like being treated like I'm mentally challenged sometimes. Like last night she said something about the garbage. I had sat a bag of it out by the road cause the trash can was full, and the bag got torn open, and then she said "you know garbage goes in the trash can right, everyone knows that" It made me feel so stupid.
I know I've said this a million times, but I just wish zack and I could live together now, well maybe this summer. I would live under a park bench with him, I don't care. It just frustrates me so. I just want to scream, cry, punch a wall something!
- Current Mood: pissed off
I just wish I could erase every thought of them from my memory. Like forget they even exist. I know that sounds kind of harsh but it's true. I'm just going to do what I can to forget them. I've already pretty destroyed all the pictures that have my aunts and cousin in them, it made me feel lots better.
But there are some upsides to the whole situation. 1. I don't have to have my cousin in my wedding or at it for that matter 2. They will never be up at this house again 3. I won't have to buy them christmas presents.
I hope we don't have to move out of the house though. This lady that lives behind us, buys houses and then rents them out said she would consider buying ours and we could rent it from her. I've been praying that we can keep this house. I really hope we can, I don't want to have to move, because moving sucks. And plus I'm really comfortable at my house.
Anywhoo, I'm gonna get some stuff together and straighten up my disaster of a room.
- Current Location:the floor in muh room
- Current Mood: grumpy
- Current Music:silence
I get so annoyed with my mother. She NEVER pays a bill on time..never. Our cell phone bill was due on saturday..but no, she didn't want to leave the house to go pay it. Is it really that hard to pay a bill on time? I don't think so. Thats what calenders are for. It just gets on my nerves and I hate when we have our water cut off or our electricity because my mother didn't go pay the bill. It makes me so angry! I look at my friends families and Zacks family and they don't have problems with their bills. They get theirs in on time and everything is great. Not at my house though. It happens atleast every two or three months my mother doesn't pay a bill or two and something that we need is cut off. It drives me up the wall. I will make a promise here and now to never do that when I have a home of my own and my own bills. I understand times are hard sometimes but geez, save money! Not that hard. Cut back on buying useless crap. It just makes me soo angry.
- Current Location:Front Porch
- Current Mood: pissed off
People have been eating meat for millions of years, it's part of the food cycle or whatever it's called. The only meat I don't eat and haven't for 2 years is pork and I don' plan on eating it anytime soon.
I just think PETA goes to the extreme on some things.
I hope I didn't offend anyone =/
- Current Music:rockos modern life